Heated Rivalry

Deeply moved and grateful

Dear readers,

I am internally screaming! It’s been over a week since I watched and re-watched Heated Rivalry oh-so-many times. I think I am finally ready to talk about it.

Taking a deep breath.

PART I. The journey to self-discovery and gratitude

First, there was Heartstopper, and now we have Heated Rivalry. Honestly, I think this time, my obsession with Heated Rivalry is hitting even harder. Ok, let’s get real honest for a second, since I am an open book anyway.

Let’s start with Heartstopper. Watching Heartstopper made me think about my sexuality and gender in all the ways I had never even considered before. I started thinking about who I am in terms of straight and queer categories for the first time. Because I am neurodivergent, thinking about my sexuality and gender doesn’t come naturally to me.

I needed a show like Heartstopper to create a safe space and terminology to talk about things I couldn’t easily understand. If you can’t tell, I’m still pretty confused about what any labels mean, let alone apply to me. What is even sexual attraction? Neuroqueers will understand why this can be so confusing. And yes, “neuroqueer” is a new label I learned about recently and I’m totally using it from now on.

Now comes Heated Rivalry and oh my god! I am screaming.

If Heartstopper helped me understand myself better, then Heated Rivalry made me a new person!

Before I was like “I’m not sure what I feel”, but after watching Heated Rivalry, I felt more certain than ever about what I feel:

All the feelings that a human can feel.

But if I had to choose one word that encompasses all of my feelings about it, it would be “grateful”. I am grateful I got to watch the show and above everything I am grateful for having felt all the emotions, both while watching and in real life.

When I was younger, I got to experience almost all types of relationship situations described in the show. At the time, many of them were painful, but others were otherworldly romantic fantasies. For a long time, I focused on those painful relationship moments thinking they had broken me forever, but now I feel like I just want to celebrate the fact that I got to experience the full spectrum of human connection. And Heated Rivalry reminded me of that.

I am a sucker for romance in both fictional and in real life, so of course my take on Heated Rivalry will be biased. It is not an exaggeration to say that for me, being able to feel romantic love is probably the best reason to be alive. And again, Heated Rivalry reminded me of that.

That is why I chose to “go to the cottage” when I was only 19, and I stayed there, living my fairly-tale romance every day since. (Well, I wish I had such a nice cottage. If you don’t get the cottage reference, please go watch the show and thank me later.) Heated Rivalry reminded me of how it feels when you are just beginning to surrender yourself to another person and feeling seen for who you are…

Grateful.

PART II. Feeling like the other

Heated Rivalry didn’t just remind me of my gratitude for romance (and sex). I could see myself in so many aspects of both Ilya and Shane that cut really deep into this feeling that has been plaguing me my whole life: Feeling like “the other”.

Being different from others can take many forms. In the show, both characters are queer in an environment that would not be accepting of that. Ilya is a foreigner and that status is revealed as soon as he starts speaking. Shane is autistic and cannot pick up on contextual cues and jokes. Omg, do I relate to every single part of that!

When you are constantly contrasted as the other in a society, it is not only about other people seeing you a certain way or discriminating against you. It is also about you. You start hating yourself for being different because that’s the only thing you know. You internalize the same homophobic, racist, sexist thoughts that the rest of society has.

What Heated Rivalry gives us is an exploration of overcoming this self-hate and moving closer to self-acceptance. Accepting that someone else can love you warts and all leads to accepting that maybe you could also love yourself.

One thing that I often hear is that someone is taking a break from dating to work on themselves, and then once they are ready, they will get out there again. I always thought this was bullsh*t.

When we see that another human being loves us, there is nothing more powerful than that to show us that we can be loved. Personal growth can only be achieved through fostering relationships of human connection. You won’t get far doing it on your own. Again, I’m biased because that has always been my experience. My connections with other people energize me and help me see myself through their eyes.

Anyway, these are the things that have been going through my mind ever since I watched Heated Rivalry. And because I process things visually, the next part contains my cartoons about Heated Rivalry.

PART III. Visual processing: What makes Heated Rivalry so great

And I had to include this last part to be true to myself.

A word of caution for those who are still dating: A guy who treats you like Ilya treated Shane in the first four episodes is most likely not going to commit to a long-term relationship. It is so satisfying that he does in the show, but here is where I draw the line between fantasy and real life. Real committed love is obvious from the beginning! But we can forgive Ilya because of his internalized homophobia…

Thank you everyone!

If you haven’t yet, go watch Heated Rivalry! And let me know about your impressions in the comments!

Ana